Emotional Evening

I went to put Oliver to bed as usual, he was deliriously tired.  Although… the second I laid him down he jumped up and started playing.  I just kissed him, whispered in his sweet little ear how much I love him and left the room.  I do this every night and usually he just passes out on his own.  I think he started this new ploy of throwing his bink out of the crib so we keep going in there to sooth him.  After going in there for the fourth it was getting frustrating.  I can’t wait till he doesn’t need that DAMN thing anymore.  Of course, for the life of me I could not find the bink.  Oliver thought this was hilarious.  I started laughing so hard I was crying and my stomach hurt.  I have never seen him that funny.  He was laughing and jumping around like crazy.  I finally had to turn the light on and call for reinforcement.  I spotted it behind the crib so Mike got on the floor and was reaching for it while I was guiding him from above.  Anyway, by then he was wide awake.  So I wrapped him up tight and cradled him for about 10 minutes.  He passed out hard and was snoring.  So stinking cute!  I put him down ever so slowly and thought it was going to work.  Well... it didn’t.  He popped up and started playing again.

By this time I was mad.  I left the room, shut the door hard and turned off the monitor.  After about 30 minutes I went in to check on him because I hadn’t heard crying or laughing.  I was calmed down, thank goodness.  How could I get mad when he was being so cute?  As I slowly peeked into his crib I could feel this warmth come up from my toes, my legs got weak, my stomach ached, held my breath and my heart practically stopped, then the tears started to roll.  I love him so much it hurts.  I found myself just staring at his beauty and perfection (I know he is a boy but he is beautiful).  I can’t believe I am finally a Mom and am so lucky to have such a wonderful love in my life.  Somebody must love me and I must have done something right.

I went to bed and couldn’t help but feel terrible about my bad attitude.  I hate that rush of anger when he is doing nothing wrong.  I am the one losing control.  I really need to work on my mother skills.  He is frustrating sometimes but only when he’s sick, extremely tired, hungry, I am ignoring him or upset myself.  I just have to tell myself it’s not his fault and it’s my job to help him and stay calm.  Motherhood is a big job.  I guess I thought it would come naturally.  I certainly don’t feel like it has for me.  I am SCARED and really hope I get better.

Holly's Wedding

Oliver is getting so big!  He looks like a 5 year old.  Stop growing my love ;)
Congrats to Mrs. Holly Payne!  She looked beautiful and I am excited for her.

The love of my life!

I can't get over how freaking cute my kid is.  I seriously love him so much!  Kelly and I tried to get some pics of him and a few turned out adorable.

He now has 4 teeth and has had 5 ear infections but still keeps his happy disposition.  He loves everyone and grins from ear to ear when he sees his cousin Hudson. He is such a ladies man too, he flirts with every girl he sees.  He seems to just stare and learn from men.  Once he gets to know them he has a blast.  I can't help but kiss his cheeks, neck, thighs, nose and belly all the time.  He gives kisses now which are a little gross but so cute it bring you to tears.  One time he bit my lip but I couldn't help but laugh.

Here are few pics with Avery and Hudson.  He has so much fun with them!

Here are a few pics of when he first starting crawling and pulling himself up.  Also, I gave him an apple to suck on, he was very intrigued.

Hudson's 4th Birthday Party

Ok, I know this is late but I wanted to post a few pics from Hudson's 4th birthday bash.  Matt and Kelly did such a great job and it was so much fun.  They had it at Cabella's and went on adventures, feeding fish, fishing for candy, looking at all the animals and shooting practice. Oliver had a great time and he loves Hudson so much!

Oliver's First Christmas

Mike and I were so bummed about Christmas this year because we had NO money.  Mike had an umbilical hernia and the doc operated on 12/7.  Holy cow, him being out of work for a month was hard.  The worst was poor Mike.  Dealing with the pain, not being able to hold his baby and being bored to death sitting around was really hard on him.  But... our family pulled together and we had an amazing Christmas.  The only present I bought was a coloring book for Mike.  I recycled a gift of crayons from someone at work too.  He was thrilled.  We colored together last night and it was a blast!

Oliver got tons of toys, clothes, PJ's, books and best of all a duck bathtub.  He loves it!

Kelly and I tried to get some good Christmas pictures of the kids.  Ya, that didn't go well at all.  One of the babies was crying most of the time.  Hudson would be doing something crazy when the babies were being good.  It was a good effort and quite comical.

Hudson thought it was funny to pull Santa's pants down.

Beatles Rock Band with the family.  Thanks to Kelly our life and parties are never boring.

We also started a new family tradition to go see the lights on the 23rd.  Of course this year Oliver didn't do much (slept) but we went with Janet and Ray.  It was the best night in a very long time.  We absolutely LOVE them.  I can't wait for Grayson to play with Oliver!

I just don't think my baby can get any cuter.  I love him so much it hurts.  He makes my day and can cheer up anyone.  Mike can get him giggling so hard.  He is a good daddy!  Literally the best moment.


He loves walks with Grandpa.
He can barely move but smiles the entire time.



 





Terry and Shelly have such a good time with him and the other grandbabies.



In rough times...

Every time I get down or am really stressed, I think, what would Marilyn say?  I met Marilyn Rea working at Dillard’s just out of high school and she was an amazing person.  She was a LCSW just taking a break from work.  It got to be too much for her emotionally.  I don’t blame her, working with oppositional youth and disaster all the time would be so difficult.   The reason I quit going to school for social work.  Most people found her very strange but I was drawn to her corky personality and knowledge.  She always knew what to say to bring me back to reality.  She called it story.  Something bad or frustrating happens and we blow it up to something more.  The car breaks down and you think your world is going to end.  In reality, it sucks, but we move on.  I wish she was here so bad right now!!  She passed away over 2 years ago and I still think about her daily.

I think having breast cancer for 15 years made her realize that there are more important things in life than stressing or being down and depressed.  She had no money, worked her tail off, sick all the time, people mocked her constantly, lived in a small trailer, her son didn’t speak to her much and her ex was a jerk.  The amazing person she was, she still found delights in life and was happy.  I remember the day she bought a water bra J I have never seen a 65 year old lady so excited in my life.  I am not sure when she had a mastectomy but I know it made her lose some of her feminity.  Buying that bra made her feel like a woman and pretty again.  Soooo cute!  She pranced around so proud and had a great time.

She loved to go camping and play cards with the family.  We play this game in my family called Cheat.  It is basically Uno but with some fun twists.  My Dad created it while working with friends.  Anyway, you can cheat as long as you don’t get caught.  Marilyn was pretty reserved at events and ALWAYS honest.  Well, one game she fooled everyone and I have never seen her laugh so hard.  We were all shocked and thought it was hilarious.  Needless to say, we were skeptical of her honest card playing after that.

I have such a great amount of guilt buried inside.  She called me about every three months and sometimes it took me a month to get back to her.  It was hard because I hate talking on the phone and she could talk for hours.  I knew it would always be a long conversation and would call her back when I had time.  Well, the last time she called me I didn’t answer and later, one Sunday morning Mom found her obituary.  I was devastated!  When Mike and I went to the funeral I found out she was in hospice for about two weeks and then got to the point where she couldn’t eat.  Horrible.  I will always remember her and center myself in rough times.  I am thankful I had her as a friend as long as I did.  I miss you Marilyn :(

This face can cheer anyone up too!

Grandpa (Blaine Eccles)

This past three months have been hard.  After a short battle with Melanoma Cancer my Grandpa Eccless passed away on Thursday, November 11th at 12:16 am.  The family is a mess.  Vickie has also been going through a lot with Jeff going into Renal Failure and having mini strokes.  I feel so bad for her and Rachon.  I wish I could help in some way.  Having to deal with her Dad and husband, I cant imagine what she is going through.  Mom had to really help Grandpa a lot with Vickie busy, Pamela out of state and Rob working on getting his eye better.  GG irritated Grandpa, so that didnt help.  She means well and has never stopped loving Grandpa no matter what he put her through.

Grandpa went in for surgery on 9/3 to see why he was having trouble eating.  Well... after the VA nicked a vein and had to go back in again, they found a football size tumor in his stomach and feeders everywhere.  What a nightmare, they gave him 6 months or so because it was so far advanced (I think stage 4).  Mom said he was really depressed and said he just wanted two more years.  He declined so quick and there was nothing they could do but make him comfortable.  I went in to see him on Sunday the 7th and he seemed ok other than he was hard to understand.  He said to "kiss that big boy for me".  It meant so so so much to me because he just seemed like he didnt care about Ollie.  When he held him for the first time he seemed so uncomfortable and gave him back so fast.  It hurt my feelings and I was so disappointed.  He was such a loner and we only saw him at family events so we were certainly not close.

The kids didn't really do a funeral but that is good.  I hate them!  Also, holy cow I had no idea how much it costs when someone passes away.  Just cremate me and spread my ashes in San Rafael or American Fork Canyon.  I would hate to leave someone with that burden... and believe me I wont save money for it.

I have a picture of Oliver and Grandpa and everytime I look I tear up.  We will miss you Grandpa!