Emotional Evening

I went to put Oliver to bed as usual, he was deliriously tired.  Although… the second I laid him down he jumped up and started playing.  I just kissed him, whispered in his sweet little ear how much I love him and left the room.  I do this every night and usually he just passes out on his own.  I think he started this new ploy of throwing his bink out of the crib so we keep going in there to sooth him.  After going in there for the fourth it was getting frustrating.  I can’t wait till he doesn’t need that DAMN thing anymore.  Of course, for the life of me I could not find the bink.  Oliver thought this was hilarious.  I started laughing so hard I was crying and my stomach hurt.  I have never seen him that funny.  He was laughing and jumping around like crazy.  I finally had to turn the light on and call for reinforcement.  I spotted it behind the crib so Mike got on the floor and was reaching for it while I was guiding him from above.  Anyway, by then he was wide awake.  So I wrapped him up tight and cradled him for about 10 minutes.  He passed out hard and was snoring.  So stinking cute!  I put him down ever so slowly and thought it was going to work.  Well... it didn’t.  He popped up and started playing again.

By this time I was mad.  I left the room, shut the door hard and turned off the monitor.  After about 30 minutes I went in to check on him because I hadn’t heard crying or laughing.  I was calmed down, thank goodness.  How could I get mad when he was being so cute?  As I slowly peeked into his crib I could feel this warmth come up from my toes, my legs got weak, my stomach ached, held my breath and my heart practically stopped, then the tears started to roll.  I love him so much it hurts.  I found myself just staring at his beauty and perfection (I know he is a boy but he is beautiful).  I can’t believe I am finally a Mom and am so lucky to have such a wonderful love in my life.  Somebody must love me and I must have done something right.

I went to bed and couldn’t help but feel terrible about my bad attitude.  I hate that rush of anger when he is doing nothing wrong.  I am the one losing control.  I really need to work on my mother skills.  He is frustrating sometimes but only when he’s sick, extremely tired, hungry, I am ignoring him or upset myself.  I just have to tell myself it’s not his fault and it’s my job to help him and stay calm.  Motherhood is a big job.  I guess I thought it would come naturally.  I certainly don’t feel like it has for me.  I am SCARED and really hope I get better.