In rough times...

Every time I get down or am really stressed, I think, what would Marilyn say?  I met Marilyn Rea working at Dillard’s just out of high school and she was an amazing person.  She was a LCSW just taking a break from work.  It got to be too much for her emotionally.  I don’t blame her, working with oppositional youth and disaster all the time would be so difficult.   The reason I quit going to school for social work.  Most people found her very strange but I was drawn to her corky personality and knowledge.  She always knew what to say to bring me back to reality.  She called it story.  Something bad or frustrating happens and we blow it up to something more.  The car breaks down and you think your world is going to end.  In reality, it sucks, but we move on.  I wish she was here so bad right now!!  She passed away over 2 years ago and I still think about her daily.

I think having breast cancer for 15 years made her realize that there are more important things in life than stressing or being down and depressed.  She had no money, worked her tail off, sick all the time, people mocked her constantly, lived in a small trailer, her son didn’t speak to her much and her ex was a jerk.  The amazing person she was, she still found delights in life and was happy.  I remember the day she bought a water bra J I have never seen a 65 year old lady so excited in my life.  I am not sure when she had a mastectomy but I know it made her lose some of her feminity.  Buying that bra made her feel like a woman and pretty again.  Soooo cute!  She pranced around so proud and had a great time.

She loved to go camping and play cards with the family.  We play this game in my family called Cheat.  It is basically Uno but with some fun twists.  My Dad created it while working with friends.  Anyway, you can cheat as long as you don’t get caught.  Marilyn was pretty reserved at events and ALWAYS honest.  Well, one game she fooled everyone and I have never seen her laugh so hard.  We were all shocked and thought it was hilarious.  Needless to say, we were skeptical of her honest card playing after that.

I have such a great amount of guilt buried inside.  She called me about every three months and sometimes it took me a month to get back to her.  It was hard because I hate talking on the phone and she could talk for hours.  I knew it would always be a long conversation and would call her back when I had time.  Well, the last time she called me I didn’t answer and later, one Sunday morning Mom found her obituary.  I was devastated!  When Mike and I went to the funeral I found out she was in hospice for about two weeks and then got to the point where she couldn’t eat.  Horrible.  I will always remember her and center myself in rough times.  I am thankful I had her as a friend as long as I did.  I miss you Marilyn :(

This face can cheer anyone up too!

Grandpa (Blaine Eccles)

This past three months have been hard.  After a short battle with Melanoma Cancer my Grandpa Eccless passed away on Thursday, November 11th at 12:16 am.  The family is a mess.  Vickie has also been going through a lot with Jeff going into Renal Failure and having mini strokes.  I feel so bad for her and Rachon.  I wish I could help in some way.  Having to deal with her Dad and husband, I cant imagine what she is going through.  Mom had to really help Grandpa a lot with Vickie busy, Pamela out of state and Rob working on getting his eye better.  GG irritated Grandpa, so that didnt help.  She means well and has never stopped loving Grandpa no matter what he put her through.

Grandpa went in for surgery on 9/3 to see why he was having trouble eating.  Well... after the VA nicked a vein and had to go back in again, they found a football size tumor in his stomach and feeders everywhere.  What a nightmare, they gave him 6 months or so because it was so far advanced (I think stage 4).  Mom said he was really depressed and said he just wanted two more years.  He declined so quick and there was nothing they could do but make him comfortable.  I went in to see him on Sunday the 7th and he seemed ok other than he was hard to understand.  He said to "kiss that big boy for me".  It meant so so so much to me because he just seemed like he didnt care about Ollie.  When he held him for the first time he seemed so uncomfortable and gave him back so fast.  It hurt my feelings and I was so disappointed.  He was such a loner and we only saw him at family events so we were certainly not close.

The kids didn't really do a funeral but that is good.  I hate them!  Also, holy cow I had no idea how much it costs when someone passes away.  Just cremate me and spread my ashes in San Rafael or American Fork Canyon.  I would hate to leave someone with that burden... and believe me I wont save money for it.

I have a picture of Oliver and Grandpa and everytime I look I tear up.  We will miss you Grandpa!

What to say...

I have so much running through my head that I get jumbled easily (ADD I guess).  I could start with Halloween.  I'ts not my favorite holiday.  This year had new meaning though.  I found myself getting really excited.  I bought Oliver a costume and then had to get out some decorations and then had to buy candy and then had to buy three pumpkins.  I thought it would be cute to have a big pumpkin for Mike, a medium one for me and a small one for Ollie.  They made me smile every time I saw them...  I have a family now :)  We waited so long to get here and now that it's real, it's wierd.  I still have a hard time saying I am a Mom.  HOLY COW, it freaks me out.  I have such a responsibility and am a completely different person.  Everything I do is now for him.

Pregnancy was amazing!  The first part was hard being sick and tired but soooo worth it.  I cried every time he moved or I thought about him.  I just couldnt beleive it.  We talked about adopting for a while and I would have if we had to wait much longer but... I couldn't imagine missing out on pregnancy now.  Now that it's over I miss it.  When people said that I thought they were crazy.  I have forgotten most of it already but wont forget the pain for a little longer.

I am still trying to repress most of Oliver's first two months.  Infants were never really my thing.  It was ROUGH to say the least.  The pain, sadness, depression, love, fear, nursing and crying was too much.  The only thing that kept me going was family support.  Mike would take him after I just couldnt take anymore.  Then when we both were done, Mom and Dad were amazing.  Even at 6 am they would take him so we could get some sleep.  I will never forget holding him after he fell asleep and just staring at him.  I would bawl becuase it hurt how much I loved him.  I would make a wish every night, "please make me a better mom".  Needless to say I would keep kleenex next to the couch (my bed for 6 weeks).  I quit nursing when I dropped a glass bottle full of 3oz of milk that took me two days to pump.  I swore a lot and then cried all night.  It was actually nice to have Mike and family help feed him.  I eventually got over the guilt of not providing him the best milk and time to bond.  There are perks of both.

 

We have a routine now and I feel like I can handle things better.  When the post-partum got better it was such a difference.  I could enjoy him and enjoy being a mom.  Whew!!!!  I thought it would never get better.  Poor kid had to deal with me being so honry all the time.  My favorite thing in the world is to give him a bath and put him to bed.  His cute little naked body and huge smile make me melt every time.  People keep telling me to puit him down awake so he can learn to fall asleep that way.  I just cant do it.  I love rocking him to sleep, singing and constinstally kissing his face.  I never knew I was a musician but I make up songs and hum.  Sooo funny cause that is not me.  I also now have my favorite children's book memorized, "The Going to Bed Book".  My girls (Kendall and Morgan) wrote Ollie a message in the front.  So cute!

Oliver was blessed to have his Aunt Jenn be his nanny for the summer.  I still call her Nanny Jenn.  I dont know what we would have done without her.  She is amazing and has such a way with him.  He loves her so much!  I went back to work with no worries.  I knew she would care for him as if he was her own.  I will never forget Jenn.  Love you!!!!

Kathy, Courtney's mom watches him now and she is great.  It is hard to get him to West Jordan when we live in Holladay and work downtown/woods cross but I would die if I had to take him to daycare.  Luckily Mike drops him off and picks him up.  Thanks babe!  It just seems like daycare employees dont care about kids like Kathy cares for Ollie.  He has a blast playing with Wiatt and Conner all day and always comes home with a smile.  That means a lot to me.  Every morning I ask him if he is ready to go play.

Wow, that is a lot.  Not even a quarter of what I want to write but another day :)

It's official!  I am now a blogger :)